Gratitude, the breath that follows acceptance; I discovered this a few years ago. Some people that heard me describe it supported my observation. It seemed that most reactions were blank stares. I guess I had high expectations that this idea would have garnered more recognition. Taking satisfaction from this discovery has certainly been its own reward.
Grateful for the people in my life, I have seen some venture toward their resistance and witnessed a shift. One rejuvenated a languishing blog. I take energy from that effort. I like what I see and perhaps I might savor a new outlook as well. Won’t know what may be found until taking that first step.
I’ve had some ideas for topics since my momentum waned. Perhaps a list might be in order: Seamlessness, Desire vs. Aspiration, Love & Fear, The Manner with Which, Conditions, Poetry, What Else?
Reading my last post in July, it looks like I haven’t moved far from that state of mind. Probably more of circling than stuck, though. Hard to be critical of this waypoint of gratitude. So what is the source of the spark of that force to move. Even as I write this, the question surfaces, “Which direction?” Have I lost attachment to a result or am I avoiding taking action by getting stuck in mind mire? I know the “right action” is action.
I observed this exact pattern of occurrence this morning in meditation when I decided I needed a dose of metta. I sat cycling through the various people wishing peace, happiness, and safety to rev myself up for the major event: turning to myself. When I focused on me, I was telling myself “there, there, it’s okay for you to feel this way. There is nothing wrong with you, you are worthy of love, I love you, don’t worry or judge yourself, everything will be okay.” After the dust settled, I witnessed myself naturally turning to feeling how grateful I am of various people in my life, how grateful I am for their love.
A couple of thoughts came up that I was curious about:
First, was this “gratefulness towards others” that I was experiencing a “mind-wandering” distraction that was pulling me away from wishing peace, happiness, and safety to myself? I was (and still am) confused about how to interpret this flow. Or should I even be trying to interpret it and analyze it? Am I attaching to something by trying to understand it?
Second, I proceeded to think how nice it would be if I called these people up and told them how grateful I am towards them. What subsequently arose was fear surrounding how would I be received by them. “Would they understand? Would they think I was crazy? Would I be too overwhelming? Would the feelings be mutual?” followed by “I’m scared! Run! Don’t call them, don’t do it! It’s not worth it!”
And, as usual, I am grateful to witness a new blog posting. A true example of confronting a fear and blowing through it!
LPJ, Evan